Oh the tangled webs we weave...

10 Months...

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 20:13:32 GMT

I go so long without posting, but who can forgetv Livejournal forever? Myspace may have blogs but I still like LJ more just for writing...So of course I always come back, like visiting an old friend. Not many people still post regularly, but that's ok. LJ has always been an outlet for me more than anything else. I can't post a long entry today though, because I have to leave here by 3:15 (which is 4 minutes from now).

What can I say? 10 months has gone by and all I've learned is...life goes on, no matter what. Not a great lesson, but an essential one regardless.

Ciao!

First pictures of Emma Caitlin Cockrell!!

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 09:13:00 GMT

These were taken not long after Emma was born, while she was still in the hospital :]

She is 5 lbs. 11 ounces and 19 inches long! so teeny..

A new baby was born...

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 03:58:42 GMT

My new neice, Emma Caitlyn Cockrell, was born today around 1:30 PM. She weighs a little over 5 lbs. so little!!!

I get to see her for the first time tomorrow! :D

insomnia is a friend of mine...have you met?

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 10:14:48 GMT

It is 5:10 AM and I'm awake.

..oh noes..

of mice & men. and rain and sunflowers...

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 20:08:25 GMT

it's me.
i'm at work.
i'm sick.
i'm very bored.
i'm a little lonely.
a little disappointed.
a little happy.

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 12:54:27 GMT

HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO LEAD A DOUBLE LIFE?

i still love livejournal...

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 20:06:20 GMT

i have been thinking about updating for awhile now...

i do still love livejournal!
anyway everything is going pretty well right now :]

i hope everyone else is doing the same...
if you see this, let me know what's up

=D

a quickie

Thu, 01 Dec 2005 05:08:23 GMT

Hey el amigos. Just posting to let you know im alive and i'm doing ok. =)

I hope you all are doing well!!! <3

oooh yeah i have new icons wahoooo.

and this place doesnt seem familiar...

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 04:17:33 GMT

I have been working a lot...and staying wayyyy too late...and hanging out with different friends every night (and morning). Im exhausted, worn out, slightly stressed and very, very happy.

Don't you love it when you just can't get a song out of your head?

I'll update again later I'm sure but right this expresses what's on my mind...

I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as i can take
and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting

my security has been compromised...

Sun, 21 Aug 2005 20:11:18 GMT

I have learned my lesson about having a public journal. From now on almost every entry will be private or friends only. If you read my journal but aren't on my friends list, leave a comment and I may add you. Also, I know some of you look at it without being logged in so now to view it, YOU MUST BE LOGGED ON. This entry is public so everyone gets the memo.

I never thought being open and honest about how I felt could bite me in the butt and I never thought I would be betrayed through livejournal either. It's all very odd...

There's a lot going on right now but I don't feel like posting about it. Life is about as bad as it can get though.

This might be a long one...

Fri, 19 Aug 2005 06:54:44 GMT

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."
~William Parrish, Meet Joe Black

Okay, its after 1:30 in the AM, I'm wide awake even though I have to get up kinda early (to look at an apartment) and then go to work. Really I'm just not sleepy. There has been so much going on that I literally cannot turn my brain off. I wrote in a post a few weeks ago that I felt like everything was going to come together or fall apart. Which has happened? Well...both. So many things are coming together right now, but so many things are falling apart as well. Everything around me is so different yet so fimiliar..I could almost laugh at the irony in my midst. What am I looking for? What do I want? How do I feel? Do I even know the answers? I dont know. I do know that God is almighty, all-powerful, everlasting, ever loving...will he ever lead me astray? No. In God I am confident. But not in myself or people. As far as the questions earlier...I am looking for peace, joy, contentment. I do not care if it brings with it aches, pains, or trials. Life has never ending trials- so who wants to face them in the midst of hurt and doubt? Not me. I have had enough of that this past year and I am TIRED. I am tired of knowing how things should be but not actually trying to get them that way. I am tired of pretending that I can fix MYSELF, my RELATIONSHIPS, or other people's PROBLEMS. I CAN'T. I CAN'T. I CAN'T. There is a time when one should say "I cannot do this alone anymore! I'm not strong enough!" I'm NOT strong enough. Why have I convinced myself that I should be able to handle everything the world throws at me ALONE? That's idiotic! Ok so what do I want? I want a strong relationship with Jesus, strong relationships within my family, strong relationships with my friends (old and new), I want a strong relationship with a man, and I want a strong relationship with myself. The strong relationship with God has to come first. My family is already strong but it has been damaged this past month and I pray that it will be rebuilt. I have strong relationships with friends but i want to focus on rebuilding ones that have..slipped away. I have already started on that. I want a strong relationship with a man because I know that I am supposed to share my life with a man and that one day I will make a life-long commitment. I want to enrich someone's life and have them do the same for me. I want fun, laughter, and friendship that will one dsy be trust, loyalty, and stability. I want to keep the promises I make. I want a 1st Corinthians 13 kind of love. I had that kind of love, but it dwindled away into everything love ISN'T. (Jealous, demanding, irritable) So I pray that the love I already have will be transformed or that I will be transformed for someone else. I no longer care which way it goes becaues either way, it leads to happiness. All I know is one man made me happy for 2 years and in my heart I believe he stll can. Truthfully, only God knows. How do I feel? That's the hardest question to answer honestly but I am going to. Honestly, I'm scared. I'm scared, but I'm also excited, hopeful, determined. I am no longer kidding myself. Its amazing the lies I can convince myself into believing. I am so good at making my will, God's will- just because it MAKES SENSE. How many times does god's will really make sense? Alot of time it is just the opposite of how "normal" things would go. I am ready to rid myself of the past that clings to me like dried mud. I want to be clean, whole, and above all else- ME.

I don't know the answers but I don't care. I know how I feel but feelings mean nothing. I know what I want but my will leads to misery. I know where I'm headed but I don't know why. I know what God has said to me in the past but I don't know if I have screwed up things so much that his will is different for me.

..but He knows. And that's precisely what keeps me going.

I think I'm going to hurl

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 21:39:07 GMT

I was supposed to start my job MONDAY but I am actually starting tomorrow. Working 9-5. I hope I'm feeling better by then! I've just felt kinda sick today =(

Tonight I think I'm going to hang out with J.T. for awhile. I don't know for sure yet but I probably will. He just moved into a dorm room at UAB so that's pretty cool.

Yesterday I talked to Graham for over 3 hours. For the most part it was a good conversation. We covered a lot of different things tried to explain some misunderstandings we have had. No, we are not any closer to getting back together. I probably won't talk to him again until next week unless something comes up. Right now I'm trying to keep myself busy, keep myself from thinking too much, and above all else-keep myself from doing something really really stupid.

Well i thought this was going to be a long entry but I guess not.
Ciao.

How do I feel? Hell if I know..

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 04:48:04 GMT

I have no idea how I feel right now! I mean I don't feel bad or anything...I just feel weird. Today has been a pretty good day but...

I just don't know. I only wonder...when I'll hear from you again.

Anyway I have been keeping myself pretty busy. This weekend has been a lot of fun. It was so awesome having our old group together. Me, Ty, Stephanie, and Bridget. It was good times =)

Tomorrow I start my new job at Friedman's. I'm working 10-5 which isn't too bad. I'll probably end up having my lunch hour at Chick-Fil-A which may or may not be weird. Next week class starts. I am so looking forward to working and going to school! (sad isn't it?) I like being busy and the past couple of weeks I have been doing jack squat.

I'm not sleepy and I really should be. There's alot more I could say but...I'm not in the mood!

..and one thing I know is love doesn't disappear overnight because I still love you =D I hope ur having fun tonight...

I'm ooooook

Sun, 14 Aug 2005 00:05:55 GMT

As the subject of this entry states, I'm ok.

I don't believe in coincidences...and after talking to you today...

it makes a girl wonder =)

In the past 2 days have talked to Lee Banks, a random guy from t-town wanting to party, Bridget Jordan, Jeff Green, and Jimmy Moses. It's been interesting.

Anyway the reason I am updating is because my dad has told me REPEATEDLY that if I moved out, I would have to pay for my apartment because they don't have the money with my mom not having a job now. I understood this to some degree.

What I dont understand is that my dad bought my mom a $500 Maltese puppy last week. And it needs $200 worth of shots overthe next couple of weeks. And they have already spent like $50+ on food, collar, bowl, etc.

But noooo they cant help me out at ALLLL. >:o/

TrussVegas

Wed, 03 Aug 2005 07:45:43 GMT

Soon I will have a job in Trussville. Soon I will live in Trussville.

I heart Trussville.

Kiss me, I'm Italian

1.smoked a cigarette
yes
2.smoked a cigar
yes
3.made out with a member of the same sex
nope
4.crashed a friend's car
I kind of helped hurt Tyler's once...
5.stolen a car
no
6.been in love
yes
7.been dumped
kind of
8.shoplifted
yes
9.been fired
no
10.been in a fist fight
no
11.snuck out of your house
lol yep
12.had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
yes
13.been arrested
no
14.made out with a stranger
what qualifies as "stranger"? Probably yes
15.gone on a blind date
God no
16.lied to a friend
yes
17.had a crush on a teacher
hehe...kind of
18.skipped school
more than I can count
19.slept with a co-worker
nope
20.seen someone die
no
21.been on a plane
yes
22.thrown up in a bar
no
23.taken painkillers
over the counter stuff
24.love someone or miss someone right now
both
26.made a snow angel
yes
27.played dress up
yep
28.cheated while playing a game
yes
29.been lonely
yes
30.fallen asleep at work/school
yes
31.used a fake id
no
32.felt an earthquake
barely
33.touched a snake
yes
34.ran a red light
yes...stupid tuscaloosa and all its...lights and s***
35.been suspended from school
nope
36.had detention
yep
37.been in a car accident
not since i was a baby
38.hated the way you look

on occasion
39.witnessed a crime
yeah
40.pole danced
not for real
41.been lost
I could get all spiritual on that one
42.been to the opposite side of the country?
no
43.felt like dying
hmm not really
44.cried yourself to sleep
shyeah
45.played cops and robbers
kinkyyyy no j/k i havent
46.sang karaoke
nope
47.done something you told yourself you wouldn't
um yeah like 100 times
48.laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose
ew yes
49.caught a snowflake on your tongue
yes
50.kissed in the rain
yes =D
51.sang in the shower
yes
52.made love in a park

ahh the park ;o)
53.had a dream that you married someone
yep
54. glued your hand to something
no
55. got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
no
56.worn the opposite sex's clothes
yes..especially to sleep in =)
57.been a cheerleader
nope
58. sat on a roof top
yes
59. didn't take a shower for a week
ughhhh no
60.ever too scared to watch scary movies alone
yes
61.played chicken
yes but a different version
62.been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
yes and it SUCKED
63.been told you're hot by a complete stranger
yes and it made my day
64.broken a bone
only both my pinky toes
65.been easily amused
every day of my LIFE
66.laugh so hard you cry
lol yessss
67.mooned/flashed someone
yes
68.cheated on a test
yes
69.forgotten someone's name
yes
70.slept naked
yes
71.gone skinny dipping in a pool
yes hehe
72.been kicked out of your house
no im a good kid =D

73.blacked out from drinking
nope
74.played a prank on someone
yeah
75.gone to a late night movie
many a time
76.made love to anything not human
oh...my...god... thats just DIRTY
77.failed a class
yeah 1...i didnt care much
78.choked on something you're not supposed to eat
nooo...
79.played an instrument for more than 10 hours
no
80.cheated on your girlfriend/boyfriend
yes b/c i suck a lot
81.ate a whole package of oreos
no..how do guys DO that???
82.thrown strange objects?
yes
83.felt like killing someone
yes..recently in fact
84.thought about running away
in tuscaloosa it was a continuous thing
85.ran away
no
86.did drugs
no never will
87.had detention and not attend it
yes
88.yelled at parents
yes...my mom mainly
89.made parent cry
yes...my mom only
90.cried over someone
yes if u havent, u arent human
91.owned more than 5 sharpies
still do
92.dated more than 1 person at once
yes
93.have a dog
yeah
94.have a cat
yes and shes driving my crazy right now
95.own an instrument
drums
96.been in a band
no =(
97.had more than 25 sodas in one day
ughhhh no geez
98.broken a cd
yes
99.shot a gun
no
100.been on the computer for more than 5 hours
yes

I'm going to sleeeep and I'm in a grrreat mood...

things are looking up...and down...

Tue, 02 Aug 2005 04:36:37 GMT

I have an oppurtunity to get a really good job..
So that's good.
I have an oppurtunity to live somewhere nice and cheap..
so that's good.
Where ever I choose to live, I have to pay for it completely..
That's...not so good..

I'm searching for somewhere to live
..somewhere to work
..somewhere to worship
..somewhere to find peace

I feel like I am holding my breath and waiting for everything to either come together or fall apart.

At least I can say right now, in this moment, I am somehow still happy.

Stephanie, if you read this-
THANKS.

I'm working i SWEAR

Sat, 23 Jul 2005 16:47:30 GMT

10 years ago I... (July 1995)
1. was in 4th grade
2. was a bookworm and an overall dork
3. started noticing the male gender

5 years ago I... (July 2000)
1. was dating a guy 6 years older than me
2. had just started highschool
3. was about to transfer to Victory Christian

3 years ago I... (July 2002)
1. started dating Graham July 6th =)
2. was spending a lot of time at waffle house and books-a-million
3. had been working at the daycare for 2 months

2 years ago I... (July 2003)
1. was head over heels in love (still am)
2. was about to start my senior year in highschool
3. finally did more than kiss Graham

1 year ago I... (July 2004)
1. was preparing to move to Tuscaloosa
2. was having issues with self-esteem and guilt
3. celebrated mine and Graham's 2 year anniversary

So far this year I... (2005)
1. have moved home to Leeds
2. made HUGE mistakes early in the year
3. have proven suspicions I have had for a long time to be true

Yesterday I...
1. went to work and played detective
2. stayed up talking to Graham until 3 AM
3. cried and stressed myself out

Today I...
1. am working
2. am EXTREMELY tired
3. am hanging out with my friends =)

Tomorrow I will...
1. Go to church
2. hopefully talk to Chip and Melanie
3. Go to Tuscaloosa to pack up stuff

This weekend I will :
1. come up with a plan
2. read some
3. watch Constantine

In the next year (2006) I will...
1. finish another year of school
2. be myself
3. be alive and breathing I hope

with a 12 gauge, whatdya think?

Fri, 22 Jul 2005 18:40:03 GMT

Happy 19th B'day, Tyler!!!!!

I'm on my break between jobs. Even though today is the only day I have worked so far this week, I really don't want to go to the Pet Clinic. I just hope it's not too busy because I'm just not in the mood.

My checking account is in the negative. It should be in the positive like $200 but a processing fee for a grant went through while I was gone ($350 processing fee) and they haven't even processed anything yet! It really pisses me off. I made sure I had enough money in there for any checks I had written and extra and now I'm in the hole $316. How do I take care of that? I mean how can they let that go thru without you even knowing? There are a lot of 19 yr. olds who dont consistently have OVER $400 dollars in their checking account. And since I didn't get paid this week, it will be awhile before I can cover that. I'm going to have to talk to the grant people and my bank I guess. Maybe I can at least get them to take off the $36 OD charge. Grrrrr....

Everything had been going so right and now I'm falling apart again...

how do i help myself?

Fri, 22 Jul 2005 03:21:52 GMT

Rafting was awesome...but I'm not here to talk about that now.

The past 36 hours have been really hard. Last night I had no one to talk to. I ended up going over to Matt and Heidi's for a long time. I didnt know until last night that I was comfortable talking about personal stuff with Heidi. I feel like as soon as I get my head in the right place, something happens and I fall down again. Everybody has their own opinions as to way and I am sick of opinions. All i see around me is hypocrisy in my life and in the lives of the people I love. I have been sick all day from reliving my past. I thought letting it out would help but now I just feel patronized.

How do I know if things from years ago are still affecting who I am today?

I haven't been worried in weeks and now I'm eaten up with it and I cant even pinpoint the source.

I have known for awhile that I am my own worst enemy.

Walk with me through my own mind...

Sun, 17 Jul 2005 05:18:37 GMT

Sometimes when no one is looking at me for what I am, I sneak outside and let myself be free. I push beyond the underbrush, known as Logic and Reason, that entangles my limbs. My humanity can't free me from their unrelenting fingers but my sword, called Imagination cuts through the tangles with one swipe of the blade. Beyond the Swamp of Civilization, everything is beautiful and bright. I have stepped into the land of colors without names- the Forest of the Mind. Here there are no maps, no boundaries. It is everything and nothing, ethereal and surreal. There is no black, white, or gray. Only color exists here, representing everything known and unknown. I walk slowly through my conciousness, analyzing every detail. I soon discover not everything in this land is of light and good. I come to a place where there is only darkness, in hues that can only be described as shades of navy and purple- beautiful yet menacing. It is the Forest of Carnal Nature. I soon realize the trees are named Desire and Sin, the fungi Lust and Greed, the wolves Instinct, the insects Selfishness, Pride, and Hate. The wolves are the protector of this region and follow me warily. This place disturbs me in a way I cannot understand so I decide to take a closer look in the region of the forest known as Good- the part flooded with light. Here there are no insects or fungi but rather flowers called Love, Peace, and Trust. The trees are Mercy and Righteousness. Birds fly overhead- Joy, Happiness, Freedom. Suddenly, I notice something glimmering in the distance. It seems to beckon me closer and I soon find it is the River Creativity. I lean over and drink from the clear cool water and I am shocked to see that I have wings. They are long and spectacular- pale blue in color that shimmer in the light. I pick up a feather as long as my hand that has fallen and I realize the color is irridescent. Now I know what I must do. I turn around, close my eyes, and run. When I open them, I'm soaring through the open sky and the view is breathtaking. I can see the forest-Good and Evil. In my moment of freedom, I realize that Good would not look so beautiful if it didn't have the contrast of Evil. Evil would also not look as menacing and dangerous if it were not coexisting with Good. The contrast is indescribable and the picture...

...the picture that has been painted is life.

I'm as deep as a small puddle..

Sun, 17 Jul 2005 04:41:08 GMT

What are you on the inside? What are the things in your mind that you try to hide? No one knows how much I've lied or seen all the tears I've cried. What about you? Do you dance when no one can see? Do you feel like a slave even though you're free? Do you want to die, to stop trying, to let go? No one knows what I can't show, there are so many things you'll never know. What's your evil desire? Do you want to steal, kill, have sex just for the thrill? What emotion do you want to feel? No one can ever know every misguided deed or every demon we feed. Why is Dr. Jeckel where we can see him but Mr. Hyde we can never find? Do you ever feel like a prisoner in your own mind? No one can ever leave their other side behind...

NEW ICONS!!!!!!! YAY!!

Sat, 16 Jul 2005 02:53:58 GMT

Over the past 2 days I have gone photo-editing crazy and the result of that has been 3 new icons made with pictures of, well, me.

over the next few days, lemme know what you think and if u have any pics you would like made into simple icons, let me know. I'll do it b/c I'm just a nerd.

Today has been crazy. I am so tired and its not even 10! I'm considering going to bed in the next 15 minutes b/c I have to be at work at 7 AM...

I see you for five minutes and it really makes my day =) I love youuuu!

Why are some of the best pictures I have of me are the ones I took myself???

Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Samir Na-gheen-an-a-jar. Nagheenanajar.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
Samir: You know there's nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it... until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Samir: Hmm... well why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael?
Michael Bolton: No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.

Anybody know what that's from?

Picture update!!

Thu, 14 Jul 2005 19:50:25 GMT

Pic update as promised! Just click the link (its faster the uploading onto LJ).

CLICK HERE!!!!!

The pics will keep on coming. My photoblog is at www.journals.aol.com/hxcgurl77/eKaHsPiCs for future reference...

What a GRRRReat day

Thu, 14 Jul 2005 03:38:54 GMT

Today I bought a Kodak EasyShare digital camera...and it is so great! I'm going to be a picture freak now. Soon I will have a picture update...of my kitten, my neice, family, friends, animals and kids from my jobs, and random stuff. YAY.

I bought some DVDs today. I got 8 Mile, the Punisher, Manchurian Candidate, the Italian Job, and Runaway Jury. I'm trying to build up my movie collection and I needed some action films.

My new cell phone should be here next week. You just have no idea how much I cannot WAIT for that thing.

Monday I'm leaving to hit the rapids. Greg, I wish you were coming with us because that kind of stuff reminds me of you! =D

Hey Biz-natches, I'm talking to Bob now so this update is OVERRR.

(yes i am hyper and in a weird mood)

Like butt

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 19:13:43 GMT

Today I accomplished a major feat- I got my PC hooked up FINALLY. And I am so glad I did because it works so much better than my parents' PC...

Let's see..what's going on with me...

I am moving all of my stuff out of Tuscaloosa Thursday. I'm not really looking forward to it because I hate moving but...oh well. At least I'll be done with it.

This week I ordered a Motorola Razr. So not only will I have a phone that works, I will have one that is 10X better than my old one anyway.

I feel like a lousy friend because I haven't been keeping in touch or calling people...It has been so hectic but things are winding down..so when I get my new phone, I wont be a crappy friend anymore, ok?

Things have been going so well right now. I mean I am happier now than I have been in like...1 year. =D =D =D

Oh yeah, I got 4 more hours at daycare thanks to Julie. So now I'm up to 16. Better than 12 at least!!!

I have to leave in a few minutes to go to work at the pet clinic. I am taking Star (my kitten) to get her shots. I hope she doesn't get too mad at me... =/

Hey BOB, I'm glad the moving is going well. I'll be in touch soon to see whats new with you. =)